MY JOURNEY

Had i not been so obstinate and persistent on going against my trials and obstacles in life, i wouldn't be where i am now. Yes, I have encountered storms...waves that almost swallow the whole of me but inch by inch i was able to move to the shore.  Remembering my childhood bring back memories of frequent trips to the Doctor. A Rheumatic heart fever that developed into swollen joints on my ankle, my knees, my hands that prevented me from moving freely. I experienced one Christmas in a hospital . Looking outside i saw people all dressed up at their best, happily walking together...good thing was that the hospital served a creamy delicious macaroni salad and my father and mother were with me that special day. And since i was only a child then, i must say that my wants are simple that time. I was happy although i am in the hospital because i have my father and mother with me plus a bonus of a creamy macaroni salad. And more importantly was that i can move my hands and can walk through my doctor's care. I once was confined to lying down in bed most of the time ...even a single move in  any part of my body will bring me excruciating pain. So it is heaven for me when at last through my doctor's care and medication I finally can move.
Come high school, i was advised by my doctor again to stop with my studies. My swollen joints attacked once more. I cannot walk and cannot even carry my bag...i cannot even dress myself alone...
But i wanted so much to study. So what i did was .... Escape from my mother's watch and attend my classes with much hardship walking and carrying my bag. The sad part is that, my teacher who was advised by my mother on my situation will always send me home. But i persevered on coming to school ... With God's grace and awesome miracles i also did experience getting well, coming back to school...be a normal being with normal needs until i reached my fourth year in high school. I remember when we have to be checked up by our school doctor for our Citizen's Army Training (CAT) Here, we will be wearing a fatigue uniform, will hold a rifle and march during the class period. And oh how i would want to be in a fatigue uniform and hold a rifle that is why i didn't tell our school doctor that i have a heart problem. The doctor keeps on telling me to rest first...attend checking on the other students and she'll come back to me...until on the third time she asked me if i have a heart problem because she can hear something from her stethoscope. I said yes, but because i really want to join and experience our CAT i didn't disclose it to her. To my surprise, i still was able to wear the uniform but without marching and had the privilege of guarding our class' wooden rifles. Isn't this great i got to wear my fatigue uniform!

Me, in my C.A.T. Uniform

At last, graduation came and i passed high school with God's grace and tons of miracles everyday. Had i faltered and stopped trying when the swelling came into the picture i would not have finished my high school studies. Yes i have my ups and downs too especially during those moments when my joints would really bother me but i have to defeat whatever obstacles will come my way for i promised myself that i will graduate in college so that my younger siblings will be imitating the path i will take. Being the eldest among 6 children of  4 boys in between and a sister who is the youngest... i am prompted to set a good example. As what our parents often told us whatever will be to the eldest will also be with the rest of the other siblings. So i bore that in mind and prayed earnestly that i will graduate college, land a perfect job and boost the life of my siblings.. I must admit my college life was not that easy...i love writing and wanted to take up Journalism but took up Business Administration instead, obeying the advise of my father. Almost always i will be having incomplete grades for not being able to take the final exam. Yes, my joints are swollen again...be confined in bed...wouldn't be able to walk and move again. Then i will be asked to take the exam in the Registrar's office and later be issued my grades. All of these didn't pose as hindrances to me...like a wounded soldier, the more attacks i have - the more i continued to hold on God's promise that HE will take care of me. One more semester and I will be graduating from college. Here it goes again...I work from seven in the morning to four in the afternoon everyday (i was a working student) then go to school Monday, Wednesday and Friday from five in the afternoon to nine in the evening on my last year in college. Our office is located on the fourth floor of the building so I have to bear the effort of climbing the stairs for the building does not have an elevator. Apparently, a simple stiff neck that I felt for one week turned into swollen joints again. This time, it is harder and painful physically and emotionally than i imagined. Again, I was advised to stop working and stop going to school. What? what about my dreams...what about my job...I do small groceries during payday...and I only have one semester to go...what about all those things, what do I do now? How can I say no, I cannot move...someone has to feed me...someone has to dress me...I am immobile! When you are in a situation wherein you really cannot comprehend...all you will do is hold on...pray and trust that these too will pass. For All things are possible with God! But as what Mathew 26:41 said "the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak" And I am almost nearing the end of my rope...

One month of "Penadur" injections, oral medication for a lifetime and one year of no work and studies and Praise God! I've recovered and was back to normal. But believe me...there was never a chance of doubts ever! God strengthens me all throughout my rough roads...my valleys...my mountains...my sunshine and my storm. I am like a big wave being tossed to and fro...there are times when I will be tired and would almost surrender, but my faith always comes the winner... I let  go and let God!

I went back to school to finish my last semester. But still with a number of oral medication. Until one day, I found myself in the registrar's office staring at the list of candidates for graduation posted..."GACUTAN,  RODALYN  A." I made it ! I made it! God is good all the time!

I landed a job in Advertising...and worked from age 22 until i was 29. This meant helping augment the family income for a longer period of time. Until my doctor told me I may stop my oral medication
and marry and have a family. Am I hearing it right ? My oral medication is for a lifetime...i must not marry because of my heart problem...does this means I am healed??? The doctor said - the heart problem is still there but there is no recurrence. I was asked to stop the oral medication and yes, I heard it right...I can marry now!

God is really always on time...never early, never late! The love of my life came ...He is the best thing that ever happened to me! We had our wedding after a year and immediately we had our first born...a son! On the second year , we had our second child - our daughter! Our God is really an awesome God because I had a normal delivery for my first child and a natural delivery for my second child. What have I done to receive such a gift of a beautiful family...a husband, a son  a daughter and perfect health? I knew it is not on me...I believe God loves me first and HIS mercy and compassion is overflowing!

Our little angel, Nyssa.

When I reached the age of forty, i conceived another baby girl. Everyone in the family were so excited and were so eager awaiting her arrival into this world. On my very due date... the fetal monitor cannot trace any heartbeat. I was then rushed into a painless delivery and yes, the umbilical chord wrapped around our baby girl's neck ...she was stillborn. We were so sad then...we buried her the following day and thank God I was allowed to get out of the hospital and be with our baby girl's funeral. I cannot remember how long it took us to overcome the grief...but with God's grace we survived.

It is also during my fortieth year that I was again taken to my doctor due to hypertension. I was advised to have a 2d-echo (ultrasound of the heart) and during that very moment - the doctor found out I do have a hole in the heart. They called it Atrial Septal Defect which is according to my Cardiologist is congenital or inborn. But why only now? how come my previous doctors didn't find it out before? I did have a three normal deliveries...and I passed it with flying colors with our Gracious God on my side. Operation must done...they have to put a patch on the hole, only my heart is enlarged. I do not know what to do...and so I prayed...prayed so fervently that I may be led to the right decision.

I didn't take the operation as my cardiologist told me it is a very  tiny hole. I live one day at a time until everything else is back to normal. Yes, the hole is still there. I am being taken cared of by my cardiologist with the oral medication.  His strict advise to me is to avoid tiring myself and not do strenuous works.  My job doesn't requires full time.  I am into Sales of memorial lots. The best part that I enjoyed much with my job is that it enables me to value sympathy and compassion. Here I've got to meet people from all walks of life. Touch their life...grieve with them...pray with them... I still meet road bumps sometimes...this is when I will be rushed to the hospital because of palpitations and overwork. This is when I am patted on the back and be reminded to take it slow because I have to take care of my heart. It is so amazing to be of service to others...to make their load lighter  just by being beside them...I find peace in helping...in being one with them. I find joy seeing them smile and feeling grateful for the services I rendered. I believe this is one of my calling...a purpose of how may I serve (as what Dr Wayne Dyer said)

But there is still one beautiful passion I would like to do...to write. To write and let everyone know that love is beautiful...that God is love...that we are made in the likeness of God...that we are a spirit with a body and not a body with a spirit...that as you think, so shall you be  (as said by Dr Wayne Dyer) that there is abundance in the universe enough for all of us...I want to impart to everyone this overflowing love I am feeling here in the deep recesses of my broken heart (because of the hole) but was made whole and perfect by the love of our Gracious God!

I do not know where and until when my journey will end...The only thing I know and believe is that God is with me...that HE is an awesome God...HE is the great "I AM"...